Life as a Mom with ADHD
I remember the day my son’s kindergarten teacher held my hands and pleaded with me. She was a patient, experienced and gifted teacher who absolutely loved my firecracker baby and I had learned to trust her. It was January and she knew she only had half a year left with him. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have been teaching 30 years and I hope you will trust me.” She told me that my boy was very bright and wonderful but was not able to master skills equal to his intellect because she was sure he had ADHD. She also said that what she was most concerned about was that he desperately wanted friends but his impulsivity was affecting his ability to create and sustain friendships. I immediately went numb and my trust in her switched swiftly to feelings of distrust and betrayal. I wish I could say that I thoughtfully considered her input and acted maturely, but I didn’t. I became upset and started to cry. She was patient and loving with me, just as she was my son, and I eventually began to be able to hear her again.
A few years later, I was sitting in a doctor’s office with another son who was nothing like the firecracker. He was the easy one. The one that was obedient and compassionate and sweet. He just seemed a little daydreamy sometimes. I was shocked that they could be so different and both have ADHD, but here we were. Again, we were looking at high intelligence that wasn’t matched by school performance. This kid had gone under the radar because he wasn’t hyperactive. He was my introduction to ADHD- Inattentive type. He was diagnosed later because he was just so darn easy. As I started to research and learn about Inattentive ADHD there were lots of references to how often girls are undiagnosed. Hidden deep inside me was a slow recognition….and shame. I was embarrassed and I didn’t know where to turn.
I made an appointment with my doctor. I told him that I thought that maybe I had ADHD. He asked me what my grades were in school. I told him I did pretty well, although I had struggled with math. He dismissed my concerns and asked if I was depressed by our son’s diagnosis and maybe I should consider an anti-depressant. I went home more ashamed than ever…and the anti-depressant didn’t really change anything. I had always been a pretty hopeful person… just sometimes forgetful, sensitive, and easily overwhelmed.
One day at the school pick-up line I was enjoying talking with another mother. She had 3 kids and was always entertaining and warm. She talked about her mornings and how crazy it was getting everyone out the door. She said, “I have to make sure I have my medicine, or I won’t remember theirs!” This? From the most together parent at the school? I asked her what she meant and she explained that she and her kids have ADHD. She said that their lives were still pretty chaotic until she was diagnosed and started treatment herself. She talked about not being able to really help them until she put things in place for herself. She also said that she was not diagnosed until after her second child was identified as ADHD. She was confident and totally candid. I listened to her and then slowly asked, “Who is your doctor?”
So while my journey began trying to help my children, along the way I was able to help myself. This has made all the difference in their lives and mine. By understanding my own struggles, I have been able to help others meet theirs with optimism and compassion. Too often, parents of children who struggle academically and who have learning disabilities are so busy focusing on their child and they don’t have the time or energy to do a thorough evaluation of themselves. It is crucial to ask yourself—How am I doing? Are there areas of my life where I could use some help too? Are some of the things I’m learning about my child’s learning disability starting to resonate within me? I am so grateful to the professionals who helped explain my ADHD to me. I am so grateful for the gifts that go along with it and for the treatment choices that help me be the mother I want to be for my children. Finally knowing what I was facing released me from shame. Understanding how my brain works has allowed me to create a life that is more than I dared dream. I love that my ADHD helps me empathize with other people who are struggling. I love that our family’s struggles with ADHD and learning disabilities made us want to start SEALKIDS. I love that at SEALKIDS we get to help children and their families every single day. I thank God every day for that mother in the car line who opened her life and her ADHD heart to me that day.
Blessings to you and yours,
Suzanne
Here are some additional resources on ADHD that may prove helpful:
https://childmind.org/article/how-girls-with-adhd-are-different/
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/what-undiagnosed-adhd-feels-like/
https://www.additudemag.com/undiagnosed-adult-adhd-diagnosis-symptoms/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/could-i-have-adhd/index.shtml